what a wonderful life
in the past twenty-four hours i have eaten the following:
chocolate ice cream
chocolate shake
vanilla pudding
strawberry jello
this is the benefit of losing your wisdom teeth. i've also watched more television in the past 48 hours than in perhaps the whole fall put together. sick.
another very important update, if you're me, i'm keeping my blog when i go back to school so i can still post silly things like what i eat after surgery. be excited. that's a command.
Why hello there.
Have you ever had a day that shakes you up so much that by the end of the day, you look at yourself and you feel like you had an out of body experience? That happens to me frequently. I’ve had years like that. Tonight, while reading, I suddenly realized there was a hand holding my book. I was drawn away from the story to study the skinny wrist and dry, wrinkled hand that was attached to me. That’s me. Hmm.
Sometimes we realize that we’re really here. We’re not flies on the wall, or ghost observers of the events of another’s life. It’s me. The robot’s alive, Ma! It’s confusing to recognize the difference between your body and how you see yourself, your being.
I got the same feeling today looking at pictures of my time in Kenya. I was there. Yep, that’s me. My nose isn’t that pointy is it? Hm. I’ve come lately to assume the attitude with which my favorite author, Anne Lamott talks about her thighs. She calls them her aunties. She dotes them and talks to them softly, comforting them. Sometimes when I realize that I myself am really me, then I get to say, hey crazy, chill out, look where you are- wow.
It makes me feel lucky. I feel like I’ve survived. “Survived what, white girl?” I ask myself. I’m not exactly sure, but I think I’ve survived something in between who I am and who I expected myself to be. I’ve come through all the real life and fantasy things that I have done and not done to be here, today, standing in front of myself. I’m definitely not perfect, but I am me, and finally that’s who I want to be.
Another one of my favorite people, Rob Bell said, “I can’t believe I get to live this life.” When I see myself and finally recognize myself not as who I thought I was, but as who I am, that’s exactly how I feel. I can’t believe I’m here. Thank God. I’m so happy that I’ve made it that questioning and criticizing myself seems ridiculous. Your nose? Please, look! It’s you, your flesh and blood and your smile and all of you. You’re really there, and here! You’re you. I’m me. Emily. And that’s who I get to be forever. As long as I recognize that that’s who I am. Score.
